expressdawn: (Kam)
 So I've kinda been thinking for a while about this but now it might actually happen, and I'm... Scared, to put it simply
We might end up changing hosts

I'm pretty bad at a lot of things that are needed, like staying stable and not freaking out over other things, etcetera, while Lucio is better there, and 4N4 has issues too but he's still far more motivated than I'll ever be, and I feel like those two together can probably get a lot more done if they had the body more. So, I want to switch out and let them take over, but the only issue is I'm terrified.

When I think about it, well... I'm just a shard. And sure, there are other shards here that still exist and are fine, but I'm scared that if I switch out for too long I'll fade or integrate or just. Not exist anymore. I feel like my only reason for existing is to be up front and if I'm not here, then what? What will I be? Will I even matter?
I guess a lot of it stems from low self-confidence and the fear of being forgotten but right now I just can't get over it. I used to want to fade so before it was never a problem, but now I've actually got something (/someone) to live for and I just don't know. I just. I don't want to die, and I'm scared that's what'll happen

but anyways, I guess that's what's going on. Other than that, it's just school and stuff. 4N4 has been dealing with math and French lately, with Lucio helping take over a roleplay sorta (we're doing a HABIT'S fantrials thing, if that means anything), so they've been more active... The more I think about it the better they'd be for this job so. idk I guess

That's all for today, I s'pose



Aug. 14th, 2017 01:31 am
expressdawn: (Kam)
So... A lot happened tonight. /Last night/whatever- I'm writing this at 0132 so it's. I don't really know. It's early

It started out with Driver's Ed. Had a good time and all that, and then we came home. Not long after I got really shakey and panicky and no one knew what was going on.

I started looking around and found out that the person panicking was Sparky, our 3 year old system member that I found out existed recently.
He holds memories from the car crash.

Lucio told our friend that, and friend asked him something about the shards that we had. I guess he was supposed to deal with them along with Tori?

Lucio messed with them a bit and then we figured out what they were.

They were fragments from Beatrice, our persecutor, the person that we were thinking was the original instead of me.

So yeah. That settles it. Tris is the original

Here's a timeline that I'm thinking of:

2-ish: Toriel forms. Holds memories from when we were that age; just a couple
3-ish: Accident, things fracture some, Tris is still front and steady. Just dropped some stuff along the way bc Brain Development stuff??
6-ish: CSA happens; more fracturing and me and Tris start to separate. Rae forms. Tris handles some of the trauma memories but I maybe am more in front now?
8-10: Bullying. Rodney, Lucio and 4N4 form at the least. Tris finally breaks and there I am
8-10+?: Rodney does what he does to Tori and that shatters her further and makes her into who she is now. I'm still main fronter and am the bundle of necessary memories/fragments?

Idk that's the best I've got. Seems to match up with other memories and things people have told us?
My family always said that we were different after about age 8, and I always thought it was bc we were bullied then but the thing is... Bullying might have been the overlying cause but we also fractured then

Everyone's memory of Tris before Rodney is that she was a lot like me but more stable and stuff. I think Alice is who Tris used to be: that more caring and soft person, though she's more shy I think. Tris retained her social-butterfly thing I think

It's... Weird, and I don't think I like it, but maybe this is it
I guess this is what the answer to all the worrying was, or something

It's. It's something ig


expressdawn: (Kam)
Lately I've been trying to dig around in our memories a bit to try answering the, "Am I the original?" question, and I turned up something kind of interesting

We have a couple memories from around 5/6-ish where we hallucinated. The first is at night, while lying in bed: there were large, glowing, green eye-shapes on the wall across from our bed, watching us. There was nothing in the room that could've cast that light, and they were too big to be light tricks. I remember being scared, but then we fell asleep.

Another time, not long after the first time maybe? We were walking past the bathroom here (we're in the house where this happened right now). There was a blanket where the door should be because the door had broken somehow. From inside the bathroom came a really deep voice that said, "Look," and then a bubbling noise.

I? We? Tried telling my grandma about it and she passed it off as an overactive imagination, or possibly something to do with my (sleeping!) uncle, but now, thinking about it... Those are Tris' flavors of hallucinations. Those are the kinds of things we get when she's close to front.

Add that to consideration along with the way she treats the assault when we were six, with what she said about the body being taken from her by me, with how she constantly fights me for control over the body, and with how A.) I'm nonhuman, and B.) everyone says Tris "used to be a lot like [me]" and... The evidence seems pretty clear.

I'm... Still missing a lot of our childhood. I didn't realize that until my sister started talking to me about it not long ago. But I really am missing a lot, and that scares me. Maybe Tris has it all. Maybe I was just a stand-in for Tris, or something similar, that got stuck in the body because something went wrong

I don't know. And I just. Hope we figure things out soon



Jul. 31st, 2017 01:10 am
expressdawn: (Kam)
 There's something that I realized that I'm having trouble with and I think it's really important, but... I don't really know how to go about addressing it. 

I, I don't think I'm the "original" 

And that's hard to admit. I don't really know how long I've been here, or why I'm here, or any of that. But I'm a nonhuman alter that doesn't identify with the body, plus we have one other person that constantly fights me for ownership of the body... That doesn't seem right if I'm the original, does it? 

That's not to say it's impossible, but... It's hard. 

We're thinking that Tris, our persecutor, might be the original. And going by internal timelines, that would make sense

Except, I don't really want it to make sense... I kind of just want everything to stop. I want to know everything and just be done with it all

But that's not so simple, it's it? Ugh... 

expressdawn: (Kam)
 (copied and pasted from a tumblr post we made)

Heya everybody, we’re here to pitch our new Discord server! Here are a few handy things:

  • Security! We have a tight system for who gets links and who doesn’t, to ensure that no gatekeepers/exclusionists come in

  • Inclusivity! No exclusionists allowed

  • No syscourse! This will be kept at a minimum unless people want a time-out

If anyone is interested, feel free to PM us! We’ll give you a one-time use link- that way there, no one can spread it

That’s all, everyone~


expressdawn: (Default)
 Hey everybody, just a quick thing:

If you like watching people draw, feel free to check out our stream! It's not up right now, but the url is :3

If you'd like to know when we're streaming, you can follow us there or keep an eye on our Tumblr

expressdawn: (Kam)
  •  Living with friends
  • parents haven't decided to throw us out of their lives yet
  • Friend's mom is hella awesome and trying to help me get monies for cooleg unlike my parents which assumed I'd get full-rides lollll
  • Things are really chill around here. Really nice
  • Will probably still be losing most possessions, but nothing extremely important
  • May not live with grandma anymore but that's voluntary
  • I may or may not still go dormant tbh, haven't quite decided I guess. Most likely will
  • Newly discovered headmates: a 3 year old named Xyzzy (yes, like the CAH clone... idk guys that's what he told me)/Sparkle (nickname), a 43-ish year old woman named Ezra, and a bunch of weird fragmenty people that... Tend to just mill about or stand around in one spot. I think they're still dormant or something, tbh. Ezra seems sleepy herself
  • New trauma memories but, I did my best to block when they happened so idk what they were exactly. Probably another instance of what happened when we were six, though possibly just something to do with getting beat badly. I'm thinking the latter but I feel like someone would know about marks if that was it (memories are very violent flashes and feelings so idk I guess)
  • Got back into coding our game, may vent about it from time to time when the code Does Not Do The Working Things and stuff, may also post occasional snippets or character files, etc
I think that's all for now and stuff I think

expressdawn: (Kam)
 Blegh, what even are titles. Anyways

Current things: 

Jeez that comic. Yeah we're still working on that things have just. Eek

Bad stuff, lots of bad. But we're getting over it. Woke up today feeling a lot better

I'm most likely going to be going dormant soon. I wanted to fade instead but, some cool friends helped out and convinced me to stay alive, just sleep instead

We're hanging out at a safe friend's house. Mostly safe at least (please stop  calling me a she, please stop calling me a she...). Will be moving in with my grandma soon? And we're probably losing a lot of stuff, both in material items and in people. That's cool though, I guess

Soooo yeah. That's that for now, I think

expressdawn: (Kam)
So. We've decided to start making comics.

Instead of posting the three panels we have thus far, though, I'mma just link them.




Okee doke, that's all for now :3



May. 1st, 2017 09:01 am
expressdawn: (4N4)
Edit: Right after making this post, the wifi stopped letting us onto the website. Ahh, school. Why do you hate us so? The rest of the post still stands, at least.

Anyhow, I'm just making a post here because I haven't done so yet. Also I want to say that we may be posting rather long entries soon; we have system matters that we want to go through and a long list of what traumas we've had to deal with that we plan to type up for organizational purposes. Ah, the latter will be... Fun. In a rather sarcastic way.

I do hope I won't be the one to write it. As the Archivist, however, I have a feeling I will be.

expressdawn: (Kam)
Something that I noticed a while back is that all the alters and some of the tulpas/soulbonds have connections either to each other or to things that happened in my life when I was young (or when the original/body was young, in case I'm not it). The alters seem to have the most roots in young life for me, while the non-traumagenic ones are like mixes and manifestations of the alters.

Let me explain. )
expressdawn: (Kam)
Ah, howdy everyone! Here's an intro post and some stuff.

We haven't really journaled online in quite a while. We have a WordPress, sure, but we don't use it a whole lot now because a lot of the information on it is either outdated or just not correct or even relevant to our situation right now, and honestly I'm too lazy to go back and correct things.

Anyways, onto the show! )


expressdawn: (Default)

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