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expressdawnhey y'all. long time no see
going through our emails reminded me that this place exists again, so here i am, doing my usual "oh geez golly wow it's been a while, huh?" post
anyways, we're in a better situation now. we're living with our gf and a couple friends in a new house, in a new city, in a new state. it's a nice place, and it's even nicer when we're surrounded by people who care about us
... but on a more depressing note, i finally cleaned out all our old entries. it was... an experience. i guess. a lot of things i didn't want to revisit, and another smack in the face reminding me that nothing ever really changes for us. we get new headmates, we move homes, we get into better situations- but it feels like nothing we do ever really changes who we are. makes me wonder if people are right when they say folks never change
part of me wants to focus on the good stuff in this post, since it's been a while and it kinda sucks to hear depressing stuff from someone that effectively fell off the face of the planet. but i can't really bring myself to try being positive, i guess. we're happy, but depression still kicks our ass. we're looking for a job to help support the house, but we keep getting rejections. we want to exist in a community, but i can't bring myself to take up space or risk hurting others.. especially that last thing. i'm sick of hurting folks, and if it takes isolating and hurting myself to fix the problem, then that's a price i'm fine with paying
it's funny, going from being some pillar of the plural community to running away from it. and it's not like we were kicked out or "cancelled" or whatever. i'm just tired of being a bad guy. my final gift to everyone is staying the fuck away from them
the only hard part is that it was a decision completely made by me, and i know others want to go back on it. and it's fine if they do. but i'm worried about being tempted to come back by them interacting with people. and i know they're worried about how people will react given the stuff i've posted about the whole ordeal. so it's just a mess, i guess
but the fact of the matter is that i'm a toxic bastard and i don't know how to fix that. i don't really know how to be better. i thought i was doing good, i thought i was doing what people wanted/needed. but i wasn't. and i don't know how to fix that problem or figure out where to start to help it. some other folks in the system are in the same boat, but tbh this is mostly just a Me thing, since i front the most and interact with the most people
writing this isn't really helping either. i just don't really know what else to do at this point. it's like the only thing i can do is keep apologizing every time i show my face somewhere public, and if i'm not doing that, i'm trying to get all these stupid thoughts out of my head. but the bad part of that is it comes off like i'm playing the victim, or guilt tripping, or something. even if that's not what i want, it's still a problem. a problem i don't know how to fix
so. yeah. i guess that's your look at our current physical and mental state. sorry to drop all this here of all places. hopefully the next entry is better
going through our emails reminded me that this place exists again, so here i am, doing my usual "oh geez golly wow it's been a while, huh?" post
anyways, we're in a better situation now. we're living with our gf and a couple friends in a new house, in a new city, in a new state. it's a nice place, and it's even nicer when we're surrounded by people who care about us
... but on a more depressing note, i finally cleaned out all our old entries. it was... an experience. i guess. a lot of things i didn't want to revisit, and another smack in the face reminding me that nothing ever really changes for us. we get new headmates, we move homes, we get into better situations- but it feels like nothing we do ever really changes who we are. makes me wonder if people are right when they say folks never change
part of me wants to focus on the good stuff in this post, since it's been a while and it kinda sucks to hear depressing stuff from someone that effectively fell off the face of the planet. but i can't really bring myself to try being positive, i guess. we're happy, but depression still kicks our ass. we're looking for a job to help support the house, but we keep getting rejections. we want to exist in a community, but i can't bring myself to take up space or risk hurting others.. especially that last thing. i'm sick of hurting folks, and if it takes isolating and hurting myself to fix the problem, then that's a price i'm fine with paying
it's funny, going from being some pillar of the plural community to running away from it. and it's not like we were kicked out or "cancelled" or whatever. i'm just tired of being a bad guy. my final gift to everyone is staying the fuck away from them
the only hard part is that it was a decision completely made by me, and i know others want to go back on it. and it's fine if they do. but i'm worried about being tempted to come back by them interacting with people. and i know they're worried about how people will react given the stuff i've posted about the whole ordeal. so it's just a mess, i guess
but the fact of the matter is that i'm a toxic bastard and i don't know how to fix that. i don't really know how to be better. i thought i was doing good, i thought i was doing what people wanted/needed. but i wasn't. and i don't know how to fix that problem or figure out where to start to help it. some other folks in the system are in the same boat, but tbh this is mostly just a Me thing, since i front the most and interact with the most people
writing this isn't really helping either. i just don't really know what else to do at this point. it's like the only thing i can do is keep apologizing every time i show my face somewhere public, and if i'm not doing that, i'm trying to get all these stupid thoughts out of my head. but the bad part of that is it comes off like i'm playing the victim, or guilt tripping, or something. even if that's not what i want, it's still a problem. a problem i don't know how to fix
so. yeah. i guess that's your look at our current physical and mental state. sorry to drop all this here of all places. hopefully the next entry is better
